Free relationship advice
The "Independent Woman" - A Recipe for
Disaster
Dear Dr.,
I am utterly confused. I met this 44-year-old bachelor
a number of months ago. I was not looking for love but
he was charming and it just happened. We went very fast
because after 20 years of marriage, I did not know how
to be a girlfriend just a wife (I am 38).
We fought a lot during the first months mostly because
he was trying to control me and being an independent
woman I fought him. One day when I said I had it (which
I did many times before out of fear I would say that
so I could protect myself) he accepted and let me go.
Three weeks later he called and asked me out to dinner.
He said he wanted to be my best friend. Over the next
6 months...he has taken me out to dinner usually once
a week...he threw me a surprise birthday party inviting
all his friends (I am new so I do not have many friends)
... went on vacation with me and my children.....calls
everyday.... but no sex during this period except for
once during vacation. Two months ago he pulled back
-- calling me everyday but refusing to see me. He gave
me many excuses why he wasn’t seeing me.
He doesn’t invite me to parties with him anymore (although
he never tells me he is going to one – he says he has
business meetings) and doesn’t invite me to hang out
with him and his friends. After a month of not seeing
him at his request, we finally saw each other and spent
a wonderful night together. He stayed over but no sex!
He said he is not rejecting me, and that it’s him (whatever
that means).
Do I just let this friendship continue and see where
it goes? The problem with that is that I have a deep
longing for him. I will not date or sleep with others
while we have a chance because that is not the person
I am. Please help, how can I tell he loves and cares
for me as a women without asking him? Could he care
like this as a friend?
Regards
Hello!
Ah yes! The "independent woman syndrome”. Frankly,
my students know to look (or listen) for this and to
run for the hills when they see it coming. "Why"
you're probably asking? Because it's simply a manifestation
of the current "feminized society" - one in
which many women have bought into but frankly, it's
also the reason that so many women are reporting the
greatest dissatisfaction with their relationships of
any time in history! What does this have to do with
your situation?
Read on...
By espousing the fact that you're an "independent
woman" you're also saying that you don't need anyone
in your life to be happy. Guess what that mindset does
to you and your relationships? It actually makes it
come about! Now, I can't read this guys mind to know
exactly what he's thinking, but I'll bet it has something
to do with this attitude! Not only is it artificial
(obviously so to those that understand it), but also
dangerous. In effect it's the backlash to another unhealthy
attitude/psychological issue, that of co-dependence.
Here's another way to think: what about being "inter-dependent"?
My new book talks much more about this concept, but
in short; it takes your greatest skills and combines
them with your partner’s greatest skills to become a
real "power couple". Neither person has to
fight for "independence" or worry that they
aren't self-able. Instead, these two choose to be together
and to draw off the strengths of the other to make themselves
and their relationship something truly unique.
Much of what you've described about your relationship
sounds like your boyfriend trying to get enough distance
to re-grow his own testicles and to find a relationship
in which he can be the man. Do you think that your attitude
here is conducive to him feeling sexual towards you?
There's a lot of speculation in this response, since
I don't know you or your situation. However, I've seen
this same scenario time and again and it all starts
with "...I'm an independent woman..." Interestingly,
when you really delve into this statement, I've never
seen a woman that wants to be truly "independent"
because that simply leads to autonomy and being alone.
This obviously isn't your goal.
I suggest that you rethink your position and how it
affects your relationship. Being an independent woman
is trendy, but not very attractive to most men. Further,
you don't really want this guy as your "friend"
do you? You want something more. If he isn't able to
give that to you - for whatever reason, perhaps it's
time to move on and find someone that is. Just be sure
you have something to offer your new partner too.
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer
all letters. You can write to me at dwneder@remingtonpublications.com
for answers. For more information about my book, "Being
a Man in a Woman's World", visit: www.remingtonpublications.com.
Copyright (c) 2001, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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