Dating With A.D.D.
Dr,
I saw your articles on the Internet
and thought I would ask you about a problem that I
have been dealing with. I don't know if you can help
me but I am looking at every option possible because
I feel like I am at the end of my rope.
When I was very young 7 or 8 I was diagnosed
with A.D.D. [Attention Deficit Disorder]. I do not
remember this but I was informed by my father that
I was. The Problem is that at first I was put on medication
because I had problem in school and socially but my
father who is in the medical field decided that medication
was wrong and nothing else was done for me.
Needless to say I was not informed of
this until I was 30. I did poorly in High school was
even held back 1 year in school with what few friends
I had leaving me for other classes, I tried college
but dropped out.
My relationships are little to none.
The few I have had usually didn't last long because
and I managed to keep very few friends, which I regret
every day. Now, I haven't been in a relationship for
almost 10 years, yes 10 years! I have been on dates
here and there but nothing to speak of. I guess I
am very shy and I have very low self esteem, my family
never had given me any reason to have any growing
up.
There is a girl that is recently divorce
and I am very interested in her. I have talked with
her before and at the time she seemed interested in
me also. I found out that she has moved in next door
to where I live and I am wondering how to go about
asking her out; but I want to do it right.
I have bought her a nice bottle of wine
as a house warming gift but I haven't given it to
her yet only because I seem to be getting mixed signals
from her. She and I work in proximity to each other
and I talked to her for awhile one day. The last thing
she said to me was "Hey will you be home later
I want to talk to you about something." I gave
her my number but I never heard from her. In fact
I've seen her once since then.
So now I am somewhat confused. I don't
know if she is living with someone or seeing someone
else. I want to take the right steps but am unsure
of what they are. Should I just walk over there one
day with the wine and give it to her and try to start
up a conversation, or try and call her apartment if
it is listed and ask to drop it off instead of coming
unannounced? Or, should I wait until I see her again?
I believe that most women don't want
to get into a serious relationship once they get a
divorce so I intend to let her know that it is just
a friendly date so we can get to know each other more.
Thank you for your time and I hope maybe this letter
could be of some use to your web site.
Hello!
You've really covered a lot of ground
here, and I'll try to address as much of it as I can.
First, you need to get this firmly into
your head: being diagnosed with A.D.D. isn't the source
of your trouble with women - it's your choice to ALLOW
it to be the problem. I know many people with all
sorts of mental problems and learning disabilities
much more severe than yours that do just great with
women! Unfortunately, it was "trendy" starting
just about 25 years ago for boys (in particular) to
be diagnosed with A.D.D. even when they had no such
problem!
You have to understand that this is
a result of the "feminization of society"
that I talk so heavily about. There is a general belief
that little boys won't be successful in life unless
they act how little girls act! For the majority of
human history, we've understood that this was ridiculous
and taught our boys differently from our girls. Most
boys bounce off the wall all day, and most girls sit
quietly in their seats. That's just the way it is
- there's no A.D.D. involved at all in most cases!
Your real trouble here is a lack of
education about women and dating/relationships in
general. No, you don't want to become her "friend"
first - that is relationship death. No, you don't
want to go leave a bottle of wine at her doorstep
- that is very, very weak, and she'll see right through
it. No, you don't want to be concerned that she's
seeing someone else or that she has a boyfriend. None
of this (in fact) matters!
Regarding her mixed signals, women do
this all the time. It's part of their own relationship
training - and let's face it, women are much better
at all of this then us guys are. They spend their
entire lives studying it! When women throw mixed signals
at you they are "testing the waters" to
see exactly what you're interest level is up front.
This way, they don't have to expose their own hands.
It's not fair, but that's the way it is.
You also need to know that women won’t
call you even if you give them your number. It’s your
job to call a woman – and they know it! When you didn’t
ask for her number in return, you were in effect telling
her that you weren’t interested.
So, this leaves you with what to do
now.
First, you need to get your skills up
to par. You've neglected your own relationship education
and now have to get it up to where it should be. I
strongly urge you to read the information on my website,
and in my books and get your head on straight about
women. You're really going to need this as you try
to put something together with your neighbor.
Second, you need to get over your self-image
problems. This is going to take some work on your
part, but you can do it and there are a ton of good
resources out there.
Third, you need to go talk to her. But,
when you do, don't profess your feelings to her! Believe
me; she already knows that you're interested in her.
You just need to create the path for her to follow.
Why not invite her out for a drink to get to know
her better? Then, spend the time learning about her
- in effect, gathering information. Don't spend it
on yourself trying to find new ways to "out"
yourself and your past!
This is a journey - not a destination.
You're going to need to get your chops up and you'll
only do this by practicing. You're also going to make
some mistakes. That's ok - but let's get them over
with, shall we? Don't hold on to them just waiting
to unload them all over someone, some day!
My brother, your situation really isn't
all that unusual. What's tragic about it is that you
have the tools in your own hands to make things change.
Will you decide to use them? I don't know - I can
only hope. It's all up to you.
Got a love, relationship or man/woman
question? I answer all letters. You can write to me
at dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers.
For more information about my book, "Being a
Man in a Woman's World", visit: www.remingtonpublications.com.
Copyright (c) 2001, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
