What Do Men Really Want?
Doctor:
What do men really want out of life?
Do they really want to get married or do they just
want to have sex with whomever until they get old
or do they have to feel alone before they make the
step into a relationship?
What do men really think of women and
what do they expect out of women? You hear a lot of
points of views from women on how men should act and
what they think they should do. I want to know a man's
point of views on relationships, getting married and
being alone. I have found out that a lot of groups
that are for men and women only favor their own sex.
And why do you tell men and women to
have sex in their relationship if they are not married
you know it causes one or the other to form an attachment
or love which in turn hurts when the other doesn't
feel the same way about you.
Hello!
Well, aren't we full of questions this
morning!
First, I don't believe that there is
any one "model" that fits all men or all
women. Everyone is different and is motivated by different
things. With that said however, I do believe that
marriage and commitment isn't as attractive to most
men as it is to most women, and I think that's what
the bulk of your questions are about.
Men struggle every single day to meet
the goals that are imposed on them by society. Sure,
you're thinking, "Well, so do women!" but
there's a difference. Men's impositions have been
around for a long time and are actually the fabric
of our society and culture. Women's are more "self-imposed".
For instance, men are expected to hold down steady
jobs, provide for themselves and their families and
to do everything (including in relationships) with
"honor". That means being up-front and direct.
Women are under no such obligation!
For instance, when a woman loses her job, she may
be concerned, but it doesn't relate directly to her
self-image. Men's jobs ARE directly related in this
way. Men that don't provide for themselves and their
families are looked down upon and ridiculed by society!
I'm sure you even know of direct examples of this.
Another example comes directly from
relationships. I hear women say all the time, "Well,
he wasn't up-front about things from the beginning..."
...and therefore he's a "dog" or a "pig"
or something else. However, women are NEVER up-front
about their intentions in relationships! Studies have
continued to show that women have all sorts of tools
they use to get guys to expose their agenda's up front
without having to do so themselves! I've never heard
any woman (or man for that matter) chastise a woman
for this! In fact, it's even glorified and made to
seem "cute" by the modern media!
With commitment, consider that men and
women view this very differently too. For example,
women view commitment as security, future, family,
love, closeness, support and many other "good"
things. Men view commitment (and likewise, marriage)
as responsibility, stress, loss of freedom, loss of
choice, a life of toiling to meet the demands of that
relationship, and many other "bad" things!
These are very common feelings among most men.
Yes, some men want to get married and
yes, some men just want to have a lot of sexual partners
throughout the rest of their lives. These are both
valid goals, but it depends on the individual. Most
women (not all) would prefer to enter into married
arrangements and even our laws support women in doing
so - against men! Men rarely come out ahead in divorces
for instance, or family custody battles, or just about
anything involved with dissolution. Frankly, with
all the problems involved, I'm actually surprised
that anyone gets married at all!
As to why I tell people that they should
have sex before getting married, it's because I believe
that our sexualities are the most powerful part of
our personalities. By learning about this so-powerful
aspect of ourselves, we also learn about how we can
function within married situations. People say that
sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship,
and I agree. However, it's in the top three! That
makes it significant enough to stress it as a priority.
Anyone that gets married without having explored the
other person's (and their own) sexuality is simply
assuming that an unhealthy relationship is acceptable,
and that they'll handle the consequences when they
come to them. That's absurd! Marriage isn't a passing
thought - it's a life long commitment!
Further, nobody falls in love because
they have sex. That is a fallacy. If it were true,
there'd be a lot fewer marriages, and a lot more vibrator
sales! People (particularly women) ALLOW themselves
to fall in love with an ideal - not the real person.
This generally comes from an immature idea of sex
and relationships - something that can be solved by
exploring sex in a more healthy way!
Considering the benefits a person gains
through sexual experience I can't think of a better
answer than to recommend and encourage it.
You might want to check out our discussion
group (free): http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman
for more.
Got a love, relationship or man/woman
question? I answer all letters. You can write to me
at dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers.
For more information about my book, "Being a
Man in a Woman's World", visit: www.remingtonpublications.com.
Copyright (c) 2001, Dr. Dennis W. Neder