Free relationship advice
The Test
Whew! The first date was tough. The second was easier
- and more fun. The third found you in bed with her.
Somehow after 3 more dates, you two are a couple. Now,
something has come up that directly affects or might
even prevent your relationship from moving forward -
what do you do?
Why Can't a Woman Be More Like A Man?
From birth, women begin studying relationships. This
continues the rest of their lives. Men on the other
hand get very little relationship training before "hitting
the field". When relationship issues come up, women
expect men to handle them at a woman's level. Frankly,
men just don't have the tools to do this. So, they end
up making a bad situation worse, committing to more
than they wanted to or worse yet, lying.
"The Test"
"The Test" is that unexpected, unexplained,
quirky situation inflicted on a man by a woman right
about this time in the new relationship. It can take
many forms - from not calling when she promised, to
"forgetting" a date, to pulling something
so egregious that it knocks the man right off his chair.
Make no mistake about it - women learn to "test"
their men from very early in their relationship training.
Think not? My friend, then you just the kind of guy
that walks in front of the target! "The Test"
is so pervasive in the dating world that it is even
looked at with humor. In fact, it is so common that
most people (men AND women) don't even realize that
it happens! You've seen movies and television, read
books and articles, etc. where it is dealt with as "that
cute situation" a man is placed in order to win
his woman.
Do men test women? Yes - it sometimes happens, but
not very often. The reasons for this are: 1) Men don't
really know how to test women; 2) The Test is designed
to pre-qualify a love interest, and frankly, men aren't
choosy in the same ways as women; and 3) Men use other
techniques to win their loves; and 4) Men often assume
(incorrectly!) that women think the same way they do.
When men DO test women, it is usually because of a low
self-image or they don't really have an interest in
the woman in the first place. Women test because of
a desire to be with the "right" man (Mr. Right)!
Women want men that can pass their tests. This shows
them that their man is strong and capable and worthy
of their affection. Fail the test and you're either
going to get more tests, or lose the woman altogether.
Recognizing The Test
How do you know when you're being tested? Frankly it
can be difficult - unless you pay very close attention.
I recommend that men ask themselves first, "does
this event make sense in the context of the situation?"
and second, "would my best friend do this same
thing?" If your answer is "no" to these
questions you're probably being tested.
Tests take many forms but they all have the same pattern.
If you can begin to recognize the patterns, you will
see the tests when they come. Here are the things to
look for:
* Something that seems totally out of context for her
based on previous behavior * Something that seems totally
out of context for the situation * Your reaction (or
lack of one) will likely lead to a critical relationship
"event" or other drama
* You are being expected to "jump through a hoop"
unnecessarily or for no apparent reason
* If you don't react, you're likely to loose respect
by her, or by others that she includes in your test
There are far too many examples of tests to cover them
all here. For specifics check my website at: www.remingtonpublications.com.
Suffice it to say that, if an unexpected situation meets
any or all of the above, you're probably getting The
Test.
Passing The Test
Tests are not problems to be solved. They are situations
created to determine how you will react. Thus, try to
keep in mind the following:
* You're not in the relationship to cater to her whims
* You deserve respect and consideration in all of your
dealings with her
* You can expect that she will support you and not cause
you to look bad in front of your friends, family, co-workers,
etc.
* If you get angry, or loose your head, you'll fail
the test
* Your goal is to deal with it and put the impetus on
HER - let her next action be the deciding one!
* Resolve up front to walk away things aren't resolved
satisfactorily.
Whoops! You Blew The Test!
I've talked to many men that have failed their tests
miserably. What now? First, review what happened. Don't
get angry - understand that she wants you to pass, but
you're going to have to work harder. Next, decide that
you're going to be the leader in your relationship -
the "captain of your ship" as it were. Thus,
you'll be in position to steer the test the next time
it comes up. Finally, be ready! You're going to get
tested again!
Good luck!
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer
all letters. You can write to me at dwneder@remingtonpublications.com
for answers. For more information about my book, "Being
a Man in a Woman's World", visit: www.remingtonpublications.com.
Copyright (c) 2001, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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