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Free relationship advice

The Art of Selling

Are you a good salesperson?

I used to teach selling skills and asked this question of thousands of people. Almost everyone doubts that they can sell. Then, I have to ask, have you ever been in a relationship before? Have you ever borrowed your parent's car? Have you ever talked a friend into seeing the movie you wanted to see? If you've answer "yes" to any of these, some selling has been done somewhere!

People misunderstand what selling is. Most think that it means convincing someone to buy something. Let me tell you up front - you can't convince people of anything. But that isn't what selling is anyway. Selling is about finding the people who want to buy what you have to sell, and then making it worth their while to buy!

When it comes to your own love life, you want to learn to sell. But, you want to do it the easy way. When a company creates a new product, they don't just rush out and ask people on the street to buy - they "market" the product. This saves them time and money. You want to market yourself too. Here's how:

1) Define your Product
What is your product? YOU! Look at what you have to offer. Are you comfortable with yourself? Are you interesting? Do you have hobbies? What makes you valuable to the opposite sex?

Don't be too hard on yourself. In fact, you may want to ask a close, trusted friend to help you here. Have this person help you list your assets. Don't dwell on your liabilities other than to ask, "What can I improve in the next 30 days?" Spend 80% of your time improving what you already have, and 20% working on correcting things.

2) Define your Market
Who are you looking for? The more specifically you can define this, the more likely you'll find it. You should take some time to consider exactly the partner you want. What does he or she look like? How old? Liberal or conservative? How much education? Does this person want children? The more specific you can be the better. Then, write it down!

This is the most important step. Something magical happens when you commit your thoughts to paper. There are actual scientific reasons behind this that for lack of space, I won't go into here. Suffice it to say you need to write down the attributes of your "perfect" partner - and be specific.

3) Find your Customers
Where does your perfect match hang out? How are you going to find this person (or persons)? They're probably not going to come to you. So, why not use what you already have. Consider your hobbies - are there organizations or clubs devoted to your interests? Of course there are! These are great ways to meet other people that share your interests.

What about personal ads, singles clubs, and the Internet? You shouldn't limit your options when meeting people. You're probably going to have to meet a large number to find those that fit your "target market" (see #2 above). Also, let your friends and family know you're looking to meet someone special. They know you pretty well and have contacts that you don't.

4) Make the "Pitch"
Once you meet someone, you're going to have to tell them about your product. In the love market, this begins with "hello". You should get used to saying hello to everyone you meet. This makes it much easier when you meet a potential prospect.

The pitch involves breaking the ice as well as getting to know this new person. Once you've made the initial contact by saying hello, just comment on something related to where you two are. For example, at a wedding you might ask this person if they are friends of the bride or groom, and how they know this person. At a supermarket, you might ask for advice on a product. Try to stay away from pick-up lines. First, they are generally ineffective. Second, they make you look insincere. Just try to be honest and open. Also, center yourself and get your confidence up. Most people say that confidence - without being cocky - is a great turn-on!

What if you get turned down? Great! Remember - you're just working the numbers. You already know that you're going to get some successes and some failures. Don't worry about it. The more "no's" you get, the closer you are to your next "yes".

My book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" has much more information on make your

5) Close the Sale
I can't tell you how many good salespeople make this mistake - they don't ask for the order! Somehow they expect their customer to do it for them! When you approach someone don't forget your goal - to get a home telephone number. Don't accept pager numbers, voice mail, etc.

How do you get the home telephone number? Ask! It is great practice to get this number every time you talk to someone. In fact, recent studies show that men get numbers at least 50% of the time. As you get better at it, your averages will improve. But, you've got to get started!


Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:

Copyright (c) 2001, Dr. Dennis W. Neder



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