Free relationship advice
Breaking Up
Sometimes, things run their course. You may be at fault
or not, but when its time to bring your relationship
to an end you want to do so cleanly and effectively.
Here are some suggestions:
1) If you have personal items at your lover's place,
you want to begin getting them back. This is much more
difficult to do after the breakup. If your lover has
things around your home, put these in a box and have
them ready to move. Be thorough - you don't want to
have things left over for him/her to have to come back
to get later.
2) Don't involve your friends, family, co-workers,
etc., in the breakup. This is only between you two.
Adding others increases the humiliation factor.
3) If you're afraid of a scene, breakup at a public
venue such as a restaurant. However, don't "lure"
your soon-to-be-ex lover there under false pretences.
Explain that you want to "talk about your relationship".
4) Don't wait until a "good time". Do it
as soon as you make the decision. Waiting only prolongs
the inevitable and makes it even more difficult.
5) However, don't breakup on a day with special significance.
For example, don't breakup on Christmas Day, Easter,
or your ex-partner's birthday. This is cruel, and may
cause ruin that day for this person for a long time.
6) Don't hedge - get to the point. Be clear and specific.
Don't blame or argue, and don't prolong the event.
7) Don't breakup in stages! Some people; either through
fear of losing someone, or a feeling that their sparing
their ex-lover's feelings do the "series breakup".
They start by getting distant, then, they suggest that
both see other people, then, they stop answering the
telephone, etc. This is just causes the pain to be extended
for a longer time than is necessary. Remember, you wouldn't
cut off a dog's tail piece by piece (would you?); you'd
do it all at once.
8) Be considerate of or ex-lover's feelings, but don't
back down. Also, don't promise to stay in touch, stay
friends, or say that maybe you can get back together
after you "get your head together". This leads
to false hopes.
9) Don't unload your hurt or anger on this person.
Be detached, unemotional and specific.
Breaking up is very difficult for both the person doing
it as well as the person getting dumped. Always remember
that you saw something in the person when you first
got together. Regardless of what happened they are still
the same person you met and have a right to their dignity.
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer
all letters. You can write to me at dwneder@remingtonpublications.com
for answers. For more information about my book, "Being
a Man in a Woman's World", visit: www.remingtonpublications.com.
Copyright (c) 2001, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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