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Free relationship advice

I Dont Trust Myself!

I have been dating a man for two years now. The first year was filled with cheating and lies (on his part - I am as loyal as they come).

We moved in together after he did some soul searching and since then things have been great. I finally feel that I can trust him and actually have felt 95% sure of our relationship. I do everything for him that I can because I love it, in all areas of a relationship.

However, over the past two weeks there have been a few things that have caused me some concern. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel like "somethings up". He's not distant and nothing has changed, but I am getting that gut feeling over a few small things, like, the cell phone ringing and he isn't answering it saying it is a friend that he doesnt want to talk to. Today when I met him for lunch he had a notepad on his desk and broke his arm to turn it over so I couldn't see it.

I don't know what to do. It is affecting my behavior as he has asked me if something is wrong. I say nothing and "pretend" everything is fine. I am sick over it. What should I do? I think that I should continue to be wonderful and if something is up it will eventually surface, but I am feeling like a cow being let to slaughter.

How would you handle this? Please help me!!


First, you have no proof of anything - you're just feeling insecure about it. Is that really something to hinge the relationship on? I don't think so. It's not unusual to have feelings of insecurity at times. These will fade - unless you inflict them on the relationship! Then, you're going to have to deal with the mistrust issues on their own merit because you lack proof.

Speaking of trust, let's discuss that for a moment:

"Trust" is something that comes from inside of you - not outside. Nobody can "make you trust them." That just isn't how trust works. Let me give you a few examples: do you "trust" him to pick up something from the store when he promises? Do you "trust" him to meet you at the airport? Of course you do. You see, you "trust" not because you absolutely know a thing is going to happen. You "trust" because of the weight YOU put on that issue and how YOU can handle it if it doesn't work out. If he forgets to get bread, you can just run out and get it yourself, and your relationship will be saved. If he gets stuck in traffic, you'll pick up your cell phone and determine that he's on his way and you'll live happily ever after.

Your trust for him within the relationship works the same way. When you know that you are the key component in your own happiness, nobody else can make that happen for you. Feelings of insecurity that creep in from time to time won't have an affect on your relationship because you trust yourself to make the right judgments and the right choices.

If you actually determined that he was unfaithful to you, even that wouldn't affect your trust! The reason is that you'd say, (as I would, since you asked how I would handle this), "Too bad for him - going out for beer when he had champagne at home..." Then, you'd simply move on and find someone that appreciates champagne!

The bottom line? Without proof, you don't know that anything either is or isn't going on. Simply suspecting someone isn't enough - everyone goes through periods of interest in other people outside of their relationships - even you. Being attracted to someone isn't the same as starting a relationship with them or having sex with them. It's a natural part of any growing relationship.


Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:

Copyright (c) 2001, Dr. Dennis W. Neder



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