Free relationship advice
I Don’t Trust Myself!
I have been dating a man for two years now. The first
year was filled with cheating and lies (on his part
- I am as loyal as they come).
We moved in together after he did some soul searching
and since then things have been great. I finally feel
that I can trust him and actually have felt 95% sure
of our relationship. I do everything for him that I
can because I love it, in all areas of a relationship.
However, over the past two weeks there have been a
few things that have caused me some concern. I can't
quite put my finger on it, but I feel like "something’s
up". He's not distant and nothing has changed,
but I am getting that gut feeling over a few small things,
like, the cell phone ringing and he isn't answering
it saying it is a friend that he doesn’t want to talk
to. Today when I met him for lunch he had a notepad
on his desk and broke his arm to turn it over so I couldn't
see it.
I don't know what to do. It is affecting my behavior
as he has asked me if something is wrong. I say nothing
and "pretend" everything is fine. I am sick
over it. What should I do? I think that I should continue
to be wonderful and if something is up it will eventually
surface, but I am feeling like a cow being let to slaughter.
How would you handle this? Please help me!!
Hello!
First, you have no proof of anything - you're just feeling
insecure about it. Is that really something to hinge
the relationship on? I don't think so. It's not unusual
to have feelings of insecurity at times. These will
fade - unless you inflict them on the relationship!
Then, you're going to have to deal with the mistrust
issues on their own merit because you lack proof.
Speaking of trust, let's discuss that for a moment:
"Trust" is something that comes from inside
of you - not outside. Nobody can "make you trust
them." That just isn't how trust works. Let me
give you a few examples: do you "trust" him
to pick up something from the store when he promises?
Do you "trust" him to meet you at the airport?
Of course you do. You see, you "trust" not
because you absolutely know a thing is going to happen.
You "trust" because of the weight YOU put
on that issue and how YOU can handle it if it doesn't
work out. If he forgets to get bread, you can just run
out and get it yourself, and your relationship will
be saved. If he gets stuck in traffic, you'll pick up
your cell phone and determine that he's on his way and
you'll live happily ever after.
Your trust for him within the relationship works the
same way. When you know that you are the key component
in your own happiness, nobody else can make that happen
for you. Feelings of insecurity that creep in from time
to time won't have an affect on your relationship because
you trust yourself to make the right judgments and the
right choices.
If you actually determined that he was unfaithful to
you, even that wouldn't affect your trust! The reason
is that you'd say, (as I would, since you asked how
I would handle this), "Too bad for him - going
out for beer when he had champagne at home..."
Then, you'd simply move on and find someone that appreciates
champagne!
The bottom line? Without proof, you don't know that
anything either is or isn't going on. Simply suspecting
someone isn't enough - everyone goes through periods
of interest in other people outside of their relationships
- even you. Being attracted to someone isn't the same
as starting a relationship with them or having sex with
them. It's a natural part of any growing relationship.
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer
all letters. You can write to me at dwneder@remingtonpublications.com
for answers. For more information about my book, "Being
a Man in a Woman's World", visit: www.remingtonpublications.com.
Copyright (c) 2001, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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